Introducing ExpressVPN’s NEW Encryption Crystal™ jewelry line


We’re fanatical about your privacy and security.

expressvpn encryption crystals jewelry

At ExpressVPN, we understand that hardware is the new software. So we’re thrilled to introduce our first foray into wearable tech, joining companies like Beats, Apple, and Jawbone as they blur the line between the human body and technology.

Introducing Encryption Crystals™!

encryption crystals banner

Encrypt your thoughts with our NEW Encryption Crystal™ jewelry line, ExpressVPN’s first hardware product.

expressvpn encryption crystals

In 1995, a group of ExpressVPN scientists unearthed a cache of rare crystals with the power to encrypt your thoughts. Since then, we’ve invested heavily in R&D to make this groundbreaking technology available to the masses.

dr. cristalferjacssen mines crystals with grad students and interns

With a team of overzealous interns and bored grad students, lead scientist Dr. Jacob Cristalferjacssen mined the crystals from a cave situated on an unnamed tropical island.

clinical trials for encryption crystals
Twenty years and numerous clinical trials later, we are thrilled to bring our most innovative cryptographical breakthrough to the market…

encryption crystals banner
Encrypt your thoughts with our Encryption Crystals™, the highly anticipated hardware addition to our suite of popular software applications!

Are you…

  • worried that your neighbor, grocery bagger, mailman, or mother might be reading your thoughts?
  • annoyed with unauthorized ESP?
  • fed up with the NSA stealing your brainwaves?

the cashier is totally reading your thoughts

Now you can fully encrypt your mental processes with our line of Encryption Crystal™ jewelry. Never let anybody read your thoughts!

How do Encryption Crystals™ work?

When someone asks you, “How are you doing?”, they are DEFINITELY trying to hack into your brain.

Encryption Crystals™ work by creating a mental barrier between you and Other People — so nobody can access your thoughts except for you. All they’ll see is you staring blankly back at them.

Encrypt your thoughts with ExpressVPN’s new line of Encryption Crystal™ Jewelry!

Encryption Crystal™ Necklace, Bracelet, and Tiara

encryption crystal women jewelry

Samantha is stoked that her classmates can’t cheat off her during next period’s Calculus exam, thanks to her Encryption Crystal™ bracelet, necklace, and tiara.

vince vaughn encryption

Stop letting your coworkers steal your ideas. Encrypt your mental powerpoint presentations today!

Encryption Crystal™ Engagement Ring

encryption crystal engagement ring

Nothing says “I love you” like protecting her thoughts from mental leeches.

Encryption Crystal™ Earrings

encryption crystal earrings

Our Encryption Crystal™ earrings are sold individually. We never assume that both of your ears are pierced.

Encryption Crystal™ Tooth Jewels

encryption crystal tooth jewels

Brighten up your smile with a subtle Encryption Crystal™ tooth jewel.

Encryption Crystal™ Grillz

encryption crystal grillz

Wow, Mrs. Jenkins. Did you do something different with your hair today?

Encryption Crystal™ Hoops

encryption crystal hoops

Children and pets are prime targets for thought-hackers. Protect society’s most vulnerable with these parent-approved 100% hypoallergenic hoops.

(Hygiene note: We recommend that your child does not share his hoop piercing with the cat.)

Encryption Crystal™ Onesie—For the Ultra Paranoid

encryption crystal onesie

We’ve got you covered with head-to-toe thought encryption, combining the easy wearability of the classic onesie with the cryptographical, thought-obscuring power of Encryption Crystals™.

Kid sizes: standard sizes for infants, toddlers, children
Adult sizes: XXS, XS, S M, L, XL, XXL, XXXL, 4XL


  1. Our Encryption Crystals™ are never tested on animals — only on human subjects.
  2. ExpressVPN is not responsible for scrambled brains, words, and other adverse side effects, such as out-of-control bodily functions.

Featured images modified from: (1) Andytani / Dollar Photo Club, (2) Paul Moore / Dollar Photo Club, (3) Minerva Studio / Dollar Photo Club, (4) Minerva Studio / Dollar Photo Club, (5) photoniko / Dollar Photo Club, (6) UnfinishedBusiness_StarStockiStock, (7) stockelements / Dollar Photo Club, (8) Andres Rodriguez / Dollar Photo Club, (9) oriori / Dollar Photo Club, (10) iko / Dollar Photo Club, (11) WavebreakmediaMicro / Dollar Photo Club, (12) poplasen / Dollar Photo Club

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