Breaking news: White House blocks Twitter

ExpressVPN correspondents in Washington DC report that Trump is circumventing a White House Twitter block to send Kim Jong Un pictures of his yuge hands.

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White House logo with blocked Twitter image

White House blocks Trump’s Twitter

Sources say that in his role as Chief of Staff, John Kelly chose to block Twitter on the White House network in an attempt to stop Trump from his “inane tweeting.” The official line peddled by the spin doctors, however, is that Twitter is a security threat.

In response to the Twitter block, Mr. Kelly tweeted:

“We’re all blocked, not just Trump. Twitter is a real issue of international, national security #USA”

Several other White House representatives also tweeted to say they couldn’t access Twitter.

Donald Trump has nothing to say

President Trump was gloriously quiet during the ban, at least until techy whiz kid, Jared Kushner, tweeted the solution directly to him:

“Use ExpressVPN, dadbro. #Woke”

Shortly after Mr. Kushner’s tweet, Trump resumed his usual gluttony of tweet-drivel and, in a surprising turn, took the opportunity to reach out to North Korea’s despot-in-chief, Kim Jong Un, in what appears to be a burgeoning bromance.

ExpressVPN exclusive: Trump negotiates peaceful North Korea nuclear resolution

A whistleblower sent ExpressVPN a transcript that allegedly shows Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un conversing via Twitter DM.

It seems the U.S. President taught Kim Jong Un to use Twitter, so that they may circumvent the draconian internet policies of both countries, and discuss really important things.

DT: You get ExpressVPN set up?
KJU: Yeah
DT: I’m really good at tech
KJU: Yeah
DT: Told you it would work
KJU: Yeah
DT: We can talk now
DT: Are you lonely? LOL
KJU: What’s that? I can’t hear you over the size of my nuclear button.
DT: Mine’s bigger.
KJU: LOL! Your button is the normal size for a button. You just have tiny hands.
DT: My hands are the correct size for a person my size.
DT: Want to see something REALLY big?
KJU: Sure, what is it??
DT: The nuclear missile IN MY PANTS
KJU: Are you ####### cray cray? That will end up on a dodgy Hillary dossier. The FBI will watch you… Even MORE!
KJU: RU still there? Can you settle an argument for a friend? How do you eat burgers with your tiny hands?
DT: I’ll show you tiny…

Naked Donald Trump sitting proudly.

KJU: OMFG!!! OK, OK! Please, NO MORE. I’ll stop the nukes.
DT: #Winning

ExpressVPN: Stopping wars and bringing people together

ExpressVPN is proud to provide such a secure service for communication. It must be awful to live under a government that systematically spies on its own citizens and puts the greed of the few above the needs of the many. And we hear North Korea is pretty bad too.

Stay safe online, and enjoy the rest of your day.


Also published on Medium.

7 COMMENTS

  1. As a long time paying customer, just FYI Express VPN company, I won’t continue to do business with any company that pukes up political comnentary on me no matter what side they are talking against/for. I despise all politics because it does nothing but divide people. Provide your service and leave your politics to your private lives. Otherwise, you damage the credibility of your company and will lose customers.

    • Good joke but I support our president fully and and sick to death of those who find it humorous to CONTINUE to make fun of him, insult him and the like. Our country has been circling the drain for a number of years; I, for one, am grateful for a president who actually loves this country and its people.

  2. I can take a joke, and I’m not really offended but please, unless it’s legislature keep the politics out of this site.

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