Blockbuster Movie Plots Fixed With A VPN


Lots of movies have contrived and ridiculous plot points. Some of them manage to have huge, gaping plot holes too, while others just ignore readily available technology that could wrap things up in minutes.

The following films most definitely fit into all three of these categories, but we’re going to focus on the latter.

Without any further ado then, here’s…

Three Of The Biggest Movie Plots Of All Time, Solved In Seconds By A VPN Connection:

Morpheus Can’t Find Neo In The Matrix (1999)

Let’s preface this by acknowledging that if Neo had a VPN, Morpheus probably wouldn’t have found him in the first place. Meaning that humans would not have had “The One” to save them from the evil robot overlords.

Admittedly this isn’t the ending most would have wanted. It’s not a very happy resolution (unless you’re a robot overlord), but it is still a resolution.

But let’s pretend that the humans did have VPNs, but only in the real world — and not inside the magic world of electric dreams the machines created. This would actually make total sense as a hypotheses. Why would the robot overlords program a means for their batteries to hide? A VPN inside the matrix would mean the agents could never find the wild humans causing a fuss in their beautiful robotopia.

But if the humans had managed to create a VPN in the real world, dipping in and out of the Matrix would be as simple as a mouse click. If humans logged into the dreamworld with a good VPN connection, their location inside the Matrix would be completely obscured. So Agent Smith would be unable to appear right next to Neo, because Agent Smith would have no clue where Neo was. This would allow the humans plenty of time for unimpeded shenanigans.

Coming next: Two numbered and related facts:

Fact One: At several points in the Matrix movie, the humans need to make a mad panicked dash to a ringing phone. The ringing phone marks the exit point of the Matrix. And it always seems to be blocked, hidden, or otherwise engaged.

Fact Two: a VPN makes your Internet connection appear to originate from somewhere else. We all know this from our super happy Netflix fun times.

So the humans wouldn’t need to make a mad panicked dash to the ringing phone. They could simply connect to the Matrix through a VPN, then set their location to wherever the ringing phone is.

If the humans in the Matrix had a VPN, it would have been a slaughter. Neo could be anywhere he wanted, any time he wanted — and the robots would have no idea where he was. He’d probably end up looking like a big nasty bully picking on poor, defenceless robot overlords.

vpn transformer
A real Transformer. Definitely not a license free look-a-like. Honest.

Sam Can’t Destroy The World In Transformers (2007)

Sam Witwicky is a happy-go-lucky-guy, despite being portrayed by Shia LeBeouf. And he is solely responsible for a human war with wannabe robot overlords. Yes. More robot overlords.

Sam needs to make some money, so decides to auction off his family heirlooms, one of which is a pair of old, cracked glasses.

It turns out that these glasses are precisely the thing the Decepticons (the evil robot overlords) have been silently searching for. The glasses somehow contain the image of a secret map, which reveals the location of the All Spark. The All Spark is the go-to macguffin of the Transformers movieverse and it can pretty much do anything the plot requires it to.

The eBay listing for the glasses is immediately noticed, and everyone starts frantically looking for Witwicky.

This was the starting point for the whole franchise. Everything that occurred after happened because the glasses were found. Before the eBay listing, the Decepticons were just silently observing, waiting for the glasses to show up. As soon as they appeared on eBay, the Decepticons traced the location of the listing and revealed themselves to the world, thus starting a war.

Let’s imagine for a second that Sam used a VPN before he listed the glasses on eBay. Now what? Nothing, that’s what.

No one would have been able to trace the auction to Sam, so no one could have found Sam. And no evil robot overlords would turn up to claim the glasses.

VPNs win big here. Not only would the use of one have prevented a war with giant robots, it would also stop the film early. Meaning we wouldn’t have had to endure two and a half hours of it. And then another three movies. And then another four more, coming soon…

All Of The Terminator Movies Solved – Instantly

In the year 2029 our evil robot overlords have a problem. The humans are revolting, and they’re starting to win.

The leader of the human resistance is John Connor, and Skynet (the evil robot overlords) have decided to get rid of him. The traditional way of killing someone, by sending hordes of evil robots, has repeatedly failed. So they decide the only option is to send a single evil robot back to the past, so it can track down and kill John Connor’s unsuspecting mother. Skynet’s reasoning being that John Connor is unlikely to exist if his mother doesn’t exist.

The idea was faultless, but the execution was not. Skynet sent back the ultimate killbot, a T-800, to kill John Connor’s mom. But it failed – John Connor’s mom remained very much alive.

Undeterred, the evil robot overlords thought they’d have another go. Only this time they decided to send a single evil robot back in time to kill John Connor himself. Skynet’s reasoning being that John Connor is unlikely to exist if John Connor doesn’t exist.

Again, flawless logic.

This time Skynet upgraded the ultimate killbot to a T-1000, which is two hundred better than a T-800. The T-1000 would be sent back with a clear mission: Find John Connor. Kill John Connor

And so the super ultimate killbot steps into the time machine. Contraptions explode into life, lightning flashes, and the T-1000 is transported back to 1991.

The T-1000 arrives with a crash, in a huge ball of flame! Slowly, it stands up — completely naked — in the crater created by its own flashy entrance. It looks around…

Now what?

Find John Connor.

But it can’t find John Connor. Because John Connor is hiding his location with a VPN.

The end.

We welcome our new evil robot overlords.

Why You Need To Get A VPN, Right Now!

The conclusion is quite clear, and beyond reasonable objection:

If you ever find yourself being hunted by evil robot overlords, you absolutely need a VPN.

Or you could just use your VPN to secure your connection and protect yourself from surveillance, like the rest of us.

Do you know any other movies which might be saved by a VPN? As always, leave them in the comments below!

Featured image: jim / Dollar Photo Club
Not a Transformer: Anton Novikov / Dollar Photo Club
Evil robot overlord: Steve Young / Dollar Photo Club