Blockbuster movie plots ‘fixed’ with a VPN

Tips & tricks
5 mins
Terminator endoskeleton with smoke.

Lots of movies have contrived and ridiculous plot points. Some of them manage to have huge, gaping plot holes too, while others just ignore readily available technology that could wrap things up in minutes.

The following films most definitely fit into all three of these categories, but we’re going to focus on the latter.

Without any further ado then, here’s…

3 movie plots simplified in seconds by a VPN

Morpheus can’t find Neo in The Matrix (1999)

Let’s preface this by acknowledging that if Neo had a VPN, Morpheus probably wouldn’t have found him in the first place. Meaning that humans would not have had “The One” to save them from the evil robot overlords.

Admittedly this isn’t the ending most would have wanted. It’s not a very happy resolution (unless you’re a robot overlord), but it is still a resolution.

But let’s pretend that humans did have VPNs—it would mean the agents could never find the savages causing a fuss in their beautiful robotopia.

Humans could dip in and out of the Matrix, at will, with just a mouse click and their location would be completely obscured. Agent Smith couldn’t appear right next to Neo because Agent Smith wouldn’t know where Neo is.

Coming next: Two numbered and related facts:

  1. At several points in the Matrix movie, humans need to make a mad panicked dash to a ringing phone. The ringing phone marks the exit point of the Matrix. And it always seems to be blocked, hidden, or otherwise engaged.
  2. A VPN makes your internet connection appear to originate from somewhere else.

A VPN connection means humans don’t need to make a mad panicked dash to the ringing phone. All they need do is choose a VPN location near the ringing phone. Easy.

In fact, if the humans in the Matrix had a VPN, it would have been a slaughter. Neo could be anywhere he wanted, any time he wanted—and the robots would have no idea. He’d probably end up looking like a big nasty bully picking on poor, defenseless robot overlords.

vpn transformer
A real Transformer. Definitely not a license free look-a-like. Honest.

Sam can’t destroy the world in Transformers (2007)

Sam Witwicky is a happy-go-lucky-guy, despite being portrayed by Shia LeBeouf. And he is solely responsible for a human war with wannabe robot overlords. Yes. More robot overlords.

Sam needs to make some money, so decides to auction off his family heirlooms, one of which is a pair of old, cracked glasses.

It turns out that these glasses are precisely the thing the Decepticons (the evil robot overlords) have been silently searching for. The glasses somehow contain the image of a secret map, which reveals the location of the All Spark. The All Spark is the go-to macguffin of the Transformers movieverse, and it can pretty much do anything the plot requires it to.

The eBay listing for the glasses is immediately noticed, and everyone starts frantically looking for Witwicky.

This was the starting point for the whole franchise. Everything that occurred after happened because the glasses were found. Before the eBay listing, the Decepticons were just silently observing, waiting for the glasses to show up. As soon as they appeared on eBay, the Decepticons traced the location of the listing and revealed themselves to the world, thus starting a war.

Let’s imagine for a second that Sam used a VPN before he listed the glasses on eBay. Now, what? Nothing, that’s what.

No one would have been able to trace the auction to Sam so no one could have found Sam. And no evil robot overlords would turn up to claim the glasses.

VPNs win big here. Not only would the use of one have prevented a war with giant robots, but it would also stop the film early. Meaning we wouldn’t have had to endure two and a half hours of it. And then another three movies. And then another four more, coming soon…

All the Terminator movies solved—instantly

In the year 2029, our evil robot overlords have a problem. The humans are revolting, and they’re starting to win.

The leader of the human resistance is John Connor, and Skynet (the evil robot overlords) have decided to get rid of him. The traditional way of killing someone, by sending hordes of evil robots, has repeatedly failed. So they decide the only option is to send a single evil robot back to the past, so it can track down and kill John Connor’s unsuspecting mother. Skynet’s reasoning being that John Connor is unlikely to exist if his mother doesn’t exist.

The idea was faultless, but the execution was not. Skynet sent back the ultimate killbot, a T-800, to kill John Connor’s mom. But it failed – John Connor’s mom remained very much alive.

Undeterred, the evil robot overlords thought they’d have another go. Only this time they decided to send a single evil robot back in time to kill John Connor himself. Skynet’s reasoning being that John Connor is unlikely to exist if John Connor doesn’t exist.

Again, flawless logic.

This time Skynet upgraded the ultimate killbot to a T-1000, which is two hundred better than a T-800. The T-1000 would be sent back with a clear mission: Find John Connor. Kill John Connor

And so the super ultimate killbot steps into the time machine. Contraptions explode into life, lightning flashes, and the T-1000 is transported back to 1991.

The T-1000 arrives with a crash, in a huge ball of flame! Slowly, it stands up — completely naked — in the crater created by its own flashy entrance. It looks around…

Now, what?

Find John Connor.

But it can’t find John Connor. Because John Connor is hiding his location with a VPN.

The end.

We welcome our new evil robot overlords.

Why you need to get A VPN, right now!

The conclusion is quite clear, and beyond reasonable objection:

If you ever find yourself being hunted by evil robot overlords, you absolutely need a VPN.

Or you could just use your VPN to secure your connection and protect yourself from surveillance, like the rest of us.

Do you know any other movies which might be saved by a VPN? As always, leave them in the comments below!

Johnny 5 is the founding editor of the blog and writes about pressing technology issues. From important cat privacy stories to governments and corporations that overstep their boundaries, Johnny covers it all.