ExpressVPN is pleased to announce the newest member of the team, Mr. Edward Snowden.
Ed flew in from Moscow to join ExpressVPN, where he was enjoying a well-earned rest after his gruelling, though short, career in the NSA came to an abrupt end.
You may remember Mr. Snowden after he appeared in worldwide newspapers as a global pioneer of Internet freedom, champion of digital rights, and a guy with enough intestinal fortitude to take on the NSA — exposing their oppressive surveillance regime in the process.
It’s fair to say Mr. Snowden is a hero of the Internet and an ambassador for human rights, everywhere. He is a legend in the fight for privacy, a bastion of strength against the powers that seek to control us, a symbol of hope for digital freedom, a coding genius, and a philosophy savant.
Which is why ExpressVPN is delighted to welcome Ed onboard as a Graphic Design Intern.
The position is unpaid, but Ed will be allowed to take asylum in the ExpressVPN office as part of the arrangement.
Ed hopes to further his love of Japanese anime in the role and seeks to learn as much as he can from the talented ExpressVPN Graphic Design team.
The NSA is Having a Temper Tantrum
Not everyone is as happy as ExpressVPN at the news of Snowden’s internship, though. Once the news eventually made it to Ed’s previous employer, the tardy NSA, a trembling, though senior official was quoted as saying:
“It’s not fair. Already we can’t see ExpressVPN users, and now they have Snowden? What chance do we have? It’s discriminateration [sic] against the NSA. I want my Mom.”
Insiders say the NSA is “throwing their toys out of the pram”, with several high-ranking officers being described as “moping around and sulking like that teenage girl in the sparkly vampire movie.”
Vandalism at Fort Meade Taken Seriously
Since ExpressVPN announced Edward Snowden’s internship, a spate of vandalism has occurred at Fort Meade, the NSA’s headquarters.
One unknown perpetrator even managed to scrawl “NSA sux, Yay Snowden!!!!” on the wall of the agency’s Supper Room. The NSA Supper Room is used by agents when they want to share their feelings, hug out their troubles, or, as the name suggests, enjoy a nice supper.
The unwelcome graffiti has traumatised NSA staff, and a support hotline has been set up for those deeply affected by it.
Just before collapsing and sobbing uncontrollably, one snivelling NSA agent said:
“It’s just not what I need right now. Snowden is a big silly doo-doo head. I want my Mom.”
Edward Snowden Shows No Sympathy for the NSA
We asked Ed what he thought of the NSA breakdown, but he was too busy drawing an egg. “Haha! Look, Egg Snowden! I’m doing more of these!”, he said.
ExpressVPN will keep you posted on any further NSA breakdowns. And Ed’s eggs, apparently.